Very bad nights

 I have often had horrendous nightmares which are very vivid many of which can be described in great detail long after waking up. I have also wanted to get out of bed during the night to visit the bathroom, and have never been very sure that I actually got out of bed until I hit the wall in the bathroom to make sure I am there.

Sometimes if I wake from the vivid nightmares, I get out of bed and sit in a chair, but these sometimes start all over again when I go back to bed.

One night it all came to a head when I tried to escape from the nightmare by climbing out of the bedroom window, but my wife woke up just in time, as we were in a hotel and on the third floor. I suppose the lucky part of that night was the fact that the window would only open about 3 inches, and it’s was the sound of me trying to force it that woke my wife up.

On another night I was standing in the corner trying to get away from the horror, and as explained before I could describe it all to my wife when I settled down later in the day. 

This is all very distressing when it happens and there are times when I really don’t want to either go to bed or go to sleep because it sometimes terrifies me of what may become.

I know that it’s all part of my illness, but to be honest it still does not help.  There is a medication that helps but mine was reduced as I just could not wake up at all and that was disastrous for me.

On one such event, I remember thinking that I had got out of bed on three occasions, and each time I went back to sleep the same nightmare started again. It was only when I finally woke up that I realised, that this was the first time I had woken up, and the rest of the time I only dreamt, that I had woken up and got out of bed? But this was so graphic that it was difficult to understand just what happened.

This worries me as I wonder how many people have heart attacks during these dreams which are so nasty you simply can not break free of them.

I have also found it very hard at times, to work out just what is reality and what is just imagination.

I often find myself in a toilet during the day or night and end up hitting the wall, to make sure I am where my brain tells me I am. This often ends up with me having a very sore hand the next day.

This must be one of the most distressing illnesses there is, as it's difficult to make a clear cut between reality and fiction. 
Many people have said on occasions, that when someone is having a very bad night, the carer should sit close and speak to the person. This is something both my wife and I will tell you is not a good idea, as you then become part of that bad dream and can end up being hurt. 

In this case, my wife ended up with a black eye, which was very sad and distressing for me.

This comes back to the point where at nights it is very difficult to separate the horrible dreams from reality, We all dream at night, but in the morning the detail can be very sketchy, but since my diagnosis, or just before it started I have been able to remember the worst nightmares in great detail, and occasionally write them down in the hope that they have some bearing on life, but in reality, there is nothing at all, as these things have no bearing at all on my life or family they are totally weird

  

Hearing loss

 I struggle with hearing loss, which could be linked to life working in places which were noisy and there was no protective equipment in the early days.

These days I struggle to hear the television, and work out what is being said clearly unless the sound is turned right up. 

Ontop of this I have tinnitus which drives me mad at times, because it can be high pitched whistles, or sounds like bells ringing and other times it sounds like a loud humming noise as if I was next to a big motor. 

This usually gets worse when I remove my hearing aids, at bedtime etc, but it can also be picked up during the day while I am wearing my hearing aids, and this is distracting.

In busy rooms it becomes difficult to work out what someone is saying, even if they are right in front of me, because I pick up a lot of background noise. 

This is one thing which annoyed me about the  television at times, because they sometimes play a lot of music, which can be louder than the people talking. 

Another problem these days is the hazard of electric scooters and pushbikes riding on footpaths, because we don’t hear them until they are right on top of us. Many simply won’t have a bell because it’s not manly to have a bell on your bike. But these people simply don’t care about anyone but them selves. 

Electric cars are also a hazard because there is no noise to puck up on.

To many like myself even a simple footpath is an accident waiting to happen when it comes to all of these things. When I was working it was illegal to cycle on a footpath, but now it’s the done thing. 

Like many people I would love to get rid of background noise, but I do wonder what this would do as far as electric vehicles etc would do, would it be more hazardous, or would my hearing pick up these noises a lot better. 

Looking forward to the end of the lockdown

 I for one am looking forward to the end of the lockdown as it’s starting to become very stressful. My wife encouraged me to go for walks on a morning because my legs were giving up, and I needed to walk. 

However things like going to hospital etc add extra problems, which really drive me mad. This is because I wear glasses and hearing aids, and trying to remove a face mask, without pulling these off is becoming a nightmare. I have come close to losing my hearing aids and dropping my glasses, simply because I cannot workout how to do it all safely. 

Once the mask is on, it seems to get tangled up with both hearing aids and glasses, so they all come off in one go. When my wife is around she helps me, but there are times when she is not allowed to be with me, and then the fun starts. 

These things are expensive, as I was told my hearing aids would cost around £2000,00 if I lost them, which is frightening to think about. My glasses cost around £200.00 to buy which is bad enough. But I guess I am not alone in worrying about losing or breaking these things when removing a face mask. 

So I will be please when this is all over, although I understand we could be living with this virus for a long time yet